(aka low-fi netiquette)

A few simple rules to follow if you wish to pursue a happy and respectively unproductive career in the music industry.

1. Being there

To gain the devotion of the rest of the London schmooze scene you must first make sure that you are in the right places at the right time. You have to know exactly what is hot and what is not (as it were). Therefore you have to find out what shithole bar band is being tipped for the top and make sure that you are at the gig. This is the most difficult step since you won't find out what the next big thing is until you are properly initiated

2. Being seen (at the bar)

The bar is the only place that you are likely to find fellow schmoozers. You have to be so terminally cool that you just hang out at the bar and ignore the band completely. "I've seen them sixteen times - they were MUCH better before a)they signed to x label. b)their old drummer left c)anyone had ever heard of them"

4. Being (not too) clever

Nobody likes a smart arse. Dumb it down a shade as it always pays to make the other person feel slightly superior. If your IQ is under 85 then you shouldn't have anything to worry about.

5. Being bitchy

In order to correctly schmooze you must be everybody's best friend and worst enemy. While, Initially charming and attentive wait until their back is turned when you must complain about a)what they are wearing b)who they are shagging c)who they work for d) what they did the last time you saw them etc.

6. Being heard (loud)

Very important. Even if you don't know any of the people around you, make sure that everyone within a ten yard radius knows exactly who you are and why they actually really want to be talking to you. The important things to remember to mention: the last gig you went to and why it was crap/great, the last "cool" musician you "hung out with", the last backstage party you were at, the last twenty or so records you blagged and the last time you got sooo out of your face made a complete idiot of yourself.

7. Being apparently poor

Can you buy me a pint? - In clubs in London this is essential. Also you can always go for the sympathy vote and make your schmooze buddies feel superior and use their expense account.

8.Being apparently rich

"Let's do lunch", cliched but true. Means also you can make your schmooze buddies feel inferior and use your expense account. "Oh don't worry, I'll get this round on my plastic"

9. Being backstage at Reading/Glastonbury/Phoenix

The triannual schmoozathons. Stomping ground for the famous and powerful, obscure and ineffectual.

10. Being (not doing)

The music industry is the most glamourously underpaid and unrewarding industry in the world. The perks of which are so superficial they can largely be discounted. Free gigs, free records and hanging with famous wanker pop stars. Life? Not.

Never compromise. Never sell out. Never let anyone demean you.

Jon Bains